D. A. Nichols

Moving back to Australia has been an interesting experience, not least for re-discovering my country and culture, as well as discovering the changes that have occurred.  One of the greatest changes I noticed on my return to Melbourne was the increase in ethnic diversity, or more specifically, the rise in the number of Indians, Asians and Kiwis.

Not those Indians or Kiwis...

I’m not saying this is a bad thing at all.  I love a curry, I love Chinese food and Kiwis make a darned good coffee.  The last comment may sound degrading but its true, and besides; Starbucks seems to be the only place you can seem to buy coffee off someone who isnt a Kiwi, and lord knows any self-respecting Victorian would’t go to Starbucks.

Kiwi’s are also great for Australia, as they seem to hate the place and keep everyone on their toes.  Theres nothing like a bit of criticism to help with self-evaluation, or so it would seem.

The recent attacks against Australia, and particularly Melbourne, have been pretty strong and hard for a lot of people to take.  Surely we couldn’t be living in a racist city?  Not Melbourne; The worlds most liveable city?  One could easily dismiss the ‘chk chk boom’ girl‘ as a Sydney slapper who was off her head, after all, Sydney does not have the racial integration as much as Melbourne does.  Witness the Cronulla riots, or even Alan Jones.  Indeed, Sydney is more like London, with pockets of demographics, without any real mixing or learning.

Melbourne, on the other hand, prides itself on its long multicultural history and peaceful integration.  Witness the Multicultural Museum, Lygon St, Chinatown, Russel St, Victoria St (Richmond) etc.  While these are all strong ethnic communities, they are all well integrated and there is no hint of segregation.

Until now, perhaps.  Sol Turjillo, the former head of Australias largest Telco, labelled Australia as ‘backward’ and ‘racist’ upon leaving the country and the company.  Backwards I can understand, with many Australian industries still operating as if competition doesnt exist and the country yet to ditch production for R&D, despite the ridiculous operating costs compared with Asia and the high-quality education facilities available. Racist though?  Well, if you call his representation in the press as a Mexican bandit as racist, then yes, I suppose it is.  Action like that in America would be unimaginable, and as one American friend of mine said about the affair: “Australia needs a civil rights movement”.

Australias representation of Sol

Carrying on from the racist cries have been those of Indian students based in Melbourne who have been, or feel they are being targetted for assault.  With the Victorian Police Commissioner confirming that assaults against Indian students are up over 30%, you would say you had a problem, but perhaps the problem is that assaults are up over 30% and nothing is being done.  Indeed, trying to camoflage this as an ‘Indian’ issue seems to reduce the seriousness of it.  After all, Indians are pretty loud anyway; no-one is going to be too surprised if they start burning effigies and throwing stones; or so seems the Australian response.

So apart from some actual Policing, what can be done to show the world that Australia (and more importantly, Victoria) is not a Racist haven and that we are all potential victims?

To me, the answer lies in a man with a very colourful wardrobe.  Dirk Nannes not only sounds like an international man of action, he is one.  Being a member of an already rare species (of left arm fast bowlers, and he sure is fast), Dirk is from Melbourne but plays for Victoria, Delhi and the Netherlands in cricket competition.  Can you be a better representation of multicultural harmony, with a striking name?

And he even looks good in pink

Further, he studied the saxophone at University (and here I was tinkering with software!), has an awesome beard, speaks Japanese (as you do) and competes at skiing at an international level.  Everyone loves a polymath; witness the Flashman, Leonardo da Vinci, Isaac Newton, MacGyver and Mechelle de Craenne, but most of those are dead or fictional.  Or both.  But not Dirk, no ma’am.

Dirk is, in fact, so alive and inspirational that he helped guide the Dutch cricket team to a win over England, the hated sporting opposition of Australia, India and New Zealand.  In a sporting context, the Dutch beating England at cricket is a little like Australia defeating Brazil at Soccer, or Malaysia defeating the USA at Basketball.

So who better to lead us? If not out of common hatred for the people from the lower part of that Island with bad teeth, then out of sheer inspiration as a modern marvel.  It’s time to step up, Dirk.

…maybe they should start speaking up

While most popular music acts have indiscernable accents (who could have told that The Beatles were from Liverpool if ‘Yellow Submarine’ wasnt released?) there are still a few who truly ‘represent’ who they are and where they are from.  Here are my top 5:

5) Lilly Allen

The lady of the moment, Lilly is bringing her London-ness to the world stage and racking up the hits.  Her single ‘LDN’ providing strong evidence.

4) The Arctic Monkeys

Unintelligible to the untrained ear, these lads from Leeds are ‘proper yorkshire’.  Using lines such as “I know he’s up to summit”, these fellas really couldn’t be bent by gravity.

3) Midnight Oil

Perhaps some local favoratism coming through here, but while most Australian acts try to cover up their identity, Peter Garret gave the vowels a good tweaking with tunes like “The Dead Heart”, “The Power and the Passion” and (of course) “US Forces”.

2) The Streets

This one man is so cockney you almost expect him to be asking to shine your boots or sweep your chimney.

1) The Proclaimers

Easily the favourites in this weight category, these Scottish lads had accents so thick you could almost carve them.  Better still, they not only included some local dialect into their international hits (“If I heaver, Im going to heaver next to you”) they also did nothing to modify their image from the two strange looking blokes that might turn up to your local karaoke night.

5) Free Milkshakes

4) You get to have conversations using the word ‘plasma’

3) You get to wear a cool bandage for a while and say things like “can you lift that for me? I havent healed up yet”

2) Your body will produce new and better blood, kind of like being upgraded to ‘YOU’ version 1.1

1) Really cheap way to get drunk

“I tell you, after having a vindaloo at lunch, you never come back to work quite the same person”

Sitting on the bus on another cold Melbourne morning, I couldnt help but notice all of the exhaust fumes from the cars stuck in peak-hour traffic and think “that’s quite a bit of burning fuel we have there”.  I did some hypothetical sums to try and work out how much reserve fuel there must be in Australia alone and figured that, if there is a car on the road for every second person that has at least 50 litres in the tank, then this equals 500 million litres of petrol.

So what could we possibly do with this petrol should everyone suddenly go solar or green?  We can’t very well drink it or pour it on the bougainvilleas, and with petrol sniffing still a problem, maybe we should keep the stuff on the list of ‘toxins still needed’ until we work out an alternative method.